How good are you at sex? Are you Seth Rogen in Knocked Up? Or maybe Channing Tatum in Magic Mike? Or are you really more like Steve Carrell in the 40-Year Old Virgin?
Seriously, if you were going to rank your own performance in the bedroom this last month on a 1-10 scale, would you rate as average or even above average? Here’s a harder question: How well do you think your lover(s) in the last month would rate your performance? Did they think you were really good? Maybe even excellent?
Are you sure?
Not long ago, a nationwide survey on sexual behavior asked American adults how often they had orgasms during sex. Researchers found that men had orgasms 91% of the time, while women came during only 64% of their experiences. 91% is a good score. That’s an “A” grade. However 64% is no better than a “D” on your project. Not great.
But here’s the real kicker: When the same survey also asked men “How often did your partner have an orgasm” the men told researchers that 85% of their partners had reached climax…BUT in reality only 64% of women were actually coming. That’s 1 in 5 women whose partners literally had no idea their girl wasn’t getting off!
Are you still sure you’re rocking her world?
MoJo Fo Sho
If you’re reading this and you’re starting to feel slightly less secure about your Johnson’s magic, don’t worry. Whatever abilities you already have can be exponentially improved with a little knowledge, a little study and a lot of fun practice. Hell, even Magic Mike has to work on his dance moves. However, it’s also going to take courage and commitment because at the beginning you’re going to make some mistakes and you’re going to fuck it up (and not in the fun way).
We all know that expanding our comfort zones and embracing the suck is not easy. Thankfully, self-improvement is increasingly becoming a part of our masculine culture. Yet even in our modern information age there is still almost no material for men about how to expand our sexual comfort zone.
Sure, there’s plenty of how-to videos and articles on giving women orgasms, new sex positions, becoming a more attentive lover and even trying new things in the bedroom (Shameless Plug: We just wrote an awesome new book on erotic massage that is guaranteed to blow her mind) and all those things are great. But sexuality goes further than that. It extends all the way to our core being and even into our potential. This is the kind of depth that we rarely see in sexual writing for men, yet this arena of personal sexuality is exactly where we can upgrade and improve one of the most intimate and powerful parts of ourselves.
It is about finding COURAGE in the bedroom. It’s becoming willing to look IGNORANT in front of our lovers. It’s being willing to tell a woman ALL of our sexual desires (especially the dark ones). It’s learning how to COMPLETELY LET GO and ravish her. And, ultimately, it’s about choosing to open our hearts and become truly VULNERABLE.
Over the next few weeks we’re going to dig into these rare actions and attitudes. We’ll discuss why they’re so valuable – for her and for you. And finally we’ll show you some ways to put them in practice.
Up first – Finding courage in the bedroom.
Only Courageous Men Get the Sex They Need
Deciding to truly trust a woman with our deep needs and desires is extremely dangerous because anytime we open ourselves in such a deep way we risk severe rejection. The pain of this level of rejection can be so crushing that men will often distance themselves emotionally from the woman for weeks, months or even years. This isn’t an overreaction, either. After all, if you expose your jugular to a potential enemy and they try to cut your throat, what logic is there in going back and trying again?
Yet it is exactly this courage that is necessary to get what we need with a woman in bed. Rejection – aka Pain – is the inevitable by-product of growth. Doing new things is never comfortable. Convincing someone else to do new things is even harder. It’s going to take time, energy, creativity, problem solving and a lot of mental and emotional work for both of you. And there’s no guarantee it’s going to work.
But here’s the great news: Women are biologically hard-wired to feel attraction for a man with the courage to fight for what he wants.
Women are drawn to warriors. Leaders. Winners. A man who can accomplish great things is a very attractive partner. What we rarely see on movies or on Instagram is that a man who is successful is a man who has lost many times. This is the nature of growth – and it is also the reason courage is so important.
Courage accepts the potential of painful defeat and makes the attempt anyway. No great victory has ever been won without risk. Gambling provides no thrill if you cannot lose. The truth is that you may not win this battle of seduction, but if you are successful it will be worth a thousand times your effort. The potential rewards for both you and for her will last a lifetime
There is another reason women are drawn to a man who will fight for his beliefs. If you have the courage to fight for her, you also have the courage to fight against her if she is behaving badly. No matter what you may hear in modern media, women make mistakes just like men do. Setting and maintaining boundaries is one of THE most important parts of attraction. If you don’t have the courage to call your woman out on her bad behavior, she won’t respect you – and the second she loses respect for you, her sexual attraction will disappear like lights in a blackout.
A man’s courage is the cornerstone of his strength and the foundation of a woman’s sexual attraction to him.
What a Woman Needs
If you want to unlock a woman’s sexuality, the key is attraction. In order for a woman to want sex with you, she wants to feel attraction to you. And the way you make her feel that attraction is to demonstrate the skills, strengths and qualities that fulfill her needs.
So what does a woman need? Here’s a short list:
- When danger threatens her, a man who can keep her safe is attractive.
- When she needs a home, food, clothes and other resources, a man with assets is attractive.
- When problems arise in her life, a man who can solve those problems is attractive.
- When she is stressed out, a man who can make her laugh is attractive.
- When she needs fun and excitement, a man who leads her on adventures is attractive.
- When she needs intimacy and affection, a man who can make her feel loved is attractive.
- She may also need a man to possess: Excellent parenting skills, a thriving social network, status or prestige, strong career ambition, artistic abilities such as music or writing, and many other qualities.
The more of these needs you can fulfill, the more sexual attraction she will feel for you. And the way you acquire the skills and abilities that she needs you to have is by developing your courage. It’s time to sack up. Try new things. Attempt something you’ve never done. Get hit a few times. Fall down five times and then get up and start again on the sixth.
The more courage you acquire, the more successful you’ll become and the more she’ll want you. It’s that simple.
Putting Courage Into Practice In Your Sex Life
Like any new thing, when you want to start upgrading your sex life, start at the beginning with something easy and simple. Step one is to figure out what your needs are.
- Do you need more sex every week?
- Do you need more variety in the bedroom – or maybe outside the bedroom?
- Although it may be a comfortable part of your routine, ending the day with your usual “missionary-position sex for seven minutes and then immediately falling asleep” probably won’t inspire much excitement for you or your woman
- Do you need more satisfying sexual experiences?
- After sex is over, you should be thinking “Damn that was pretty good!” instead of “Well, I had an orgasm and I think she did too and hey if nothing else at least I can sing along with the Lonely Island boys…”
- Do you need more fun and creativity?
- When was the last time you went to the movies and fooled around? Picked up a bottle of wine, a blanket and went into the woods? Asked for a blowjob in your parked car?
- Do you need more visual stimulation?
- Men are sexually stimulated by what we see, however many women are self-conscious about their bodies and have learned to only have sex at night in a dark room. It’s important to help her overcome her insecurities. This is a great time to buy her lingerie and ask her to model for you.
Do you need more intimacy? Do you need to become comfortable openly discussing your sex life? Do you need to get better at giving her pleasure? Do you need to say “No” to things she wants from you?
The list of our sexual needs will be different for every man (and woman) and they will change over time, but the bottom line is the same: If you have the commitment to figure out your sexual needs and the courage to work with your woman to achieve them, you’ll be able to have better and better sex for the rest of your life.
FACT: EVERY MAN CAN HAVE AS MUCH SEX AS HE WANTS
How can Matt and I make an outrageous statement like this? Because we’ve experienced it for ourselves! Matt and I are two “regular guys” who have had incredible success with women – but ONLY after we discovered the secret most men will never learn:
Attracting women and blowing their minds in the bedroom is not rocket science…but it IS science. And all science can be learned.
Our new book “Sexual Magnetism” will teach you that science. Based on cutting-edge research into the biology of gender and sexuality, this book will show you WHAT women crave at a genetic level and WHY they crave it. Then, with the help of dozens of scientists, psychologists, pick-up artists and dating experts, we’ll teach you the exact steps to become the Superior Man she wants and needs.
No matter how long it’s been since you’ve had sex, no matter how much failure you’ve had with women, “Sexual Magnetism” has the answers to transform your sex life into a thrilling and deeply satisfying adventure.
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Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash