Sex is always a hot topic. No matter where you look in popular media sex is everywhere. From women’s magazines headlines telling women how to attract a man to “21 Mind Blowing Sex Moves” and my personal favorite “25 Ways To Kiss a Naked Man.” Really? Do we need 25 ways? I can think of one that will blow the others away… but I digress.
Sex is important however we need to be smart about the material we take in and how we digest it. This article will deal with tangible ways to improve your sex life in a relationship. If you want to learn some between the sheets techniques read about sensual massage (part 1) and (part 2), but I will be going a different direction.
Sex frequency declines as we age
Duh. The numbers vary wildly according to who is asking the questions (that’s called selection bias) Remember that you need to critically analyze information before you take it in. Looking at study after study shows various numbers, some with higher frequency, some with lower, even on the “same sample group”. The one commonality is that people in their 20’s have more sex than those in their 30’s. Those in their 30’s have more sex than those in their 40’s etc. What does that mean? Are you happy with the frequency of sex in your relationship? You might be, but what about your partner?
What correlations are there between happiness and sex?
A fascinating study was published by Social Psychology and Personality Science. In summary once a week is the sweet spot. More than that doesn’t equal more happiness, but less sure means less happiness. It’s a kin to the idea that beyond a certain threshold more money doesn’t equal more happiness.
That’s nice for millionaires and people fucking daily, but how does that play for the rest of us? First we need to look at Sexual Dynamics.
Sex as a power play
Both men and women use sex to gain power, influence, status, money, etc. you need to look now further than the current troubles plaguing Hollywood. The ideas of a casting couch with sleazy powerful men and willing women are nothing new.
That’s Hollywood, what about the real world? According to a study by Johns Hopkins University, 80% of women have withheld sex to gain an advantage. It’s common sense, sex gets used as a commodity in a relationship. Desire and attraction give way to obligation and biological need.
Attraction is not negotiated.
No, she won’t give you a blowjob because you did the dishes. She will give you one because she desires you and wishes to please you, not out of some negotiation.
She is ALWAYS looking for a better man. If she is with you, then she wants you to be a better man. She WANTS you to be better, she NEEDS you to be better.
“Nature wishes that woman should attract man, yet she often cunningly moulds into her face a little sarcasm, which seems to say, ‘Yes, I am willing to attract, but to attract a little better kind of a man than any I yet behold”― Ralph Waldo Emerson
In short, don’t.
If you have some shit to work out, do it, but couples counseling will cause you frustration, money and more importantly your valuable time.
- Most advice is shit.
- Magic bullets don’t exist, YOU have to put in the work
- See talking/negotiation as the answer
- Divorce rate for therapists is over 32% HIGHER than other professions
“There is no reciprocity. Men love women. Women love children. Children love hamsters. Hamsters don’t love anyone; it is quite hopeless”.”
― Alice Thomas Ellis
What Can You Do As a Man?
Work out, Get a hobby or 12, Travel, Learn to cook, Get shit done around the house. Why? The why is important. Don’t do any of this IN ORDER to get sex from her, how is that any different than negotiating BJ for dishes? Do it because YOU want to. Do it because YOU have the interest. Women want an adventure, be that adventure for her.
Stop begging for sex
Just. Stop. Begging. If you initiate and she denies, that’s fine, don’t get butt-hurt. Instead use your brain, what’s going on? How was her day? What is she feeling? How have you been treating her? Women don’t have an on switch for desire. They aren’t built like us Men. They have a degree of receptivity to sexual good times. Think about it, females rarely initiate sex, they present themselves as available, or willing to have sex. It’s our job to capitalize on that.
Don’t beg – assess and improve.
Work on seducing your wife
Think back to when you were having the most sex in your relationship. It probably went hand and hand with you actively pursuing and courting her. Show her she is a priority to you, do things for her, help her out, make her feel desired.
Tease her, play with her, make her feel desirable by desiring her.
Unless you live in a cave, you probably see many women daily that you find attractive, when was the last time you looked at your wife that way? Start teasing her, play with her, make your home life fun. Take some of her stress away. She will respond to that.
Transform yourself into someone who should be desired
If you are 400 lbs and all you do is play video games while she is taking care of the house, do you blame her for not fucking your ugly ass? How about her getting fat? Odds are she is following your example. If you don’t demand the best from yourself she won’t either and attraction will fade.
As you better yourself you objectively become more attractive, as you become more attractive your partner’s desire for you will also grow. There are no quick fixes here, work on your MAP and improve.