In the twelve years since I became a professional massage therapist, the number one question guys ask me is ‘Do you give happy endings?’ It’s a standard at parties when everyone is drinking. Everyone thinks this is a great question and it often gets a few laughs. Of course we all know my answer will be ‘No.’
But I’ll tell you a little secret: Under the right circumstances, I actually DO give happy endings.
Now I don’t offer them to guys (I am straight after all) and I never give them at work (I’m too good looking for prison) but if I’m dating a beautiful woman you can bet that sooner or later she’s going to benefit from all my years of hands-on experience.
In this two-part series, I’m going to pull back the curtain and let you in on some of my professional massage secrets. I’m going to teach you how to drive your woman so crazy she’ll be literally begging you for sex. Better yet, by the time you’ve finished these articles I guarantee you’ll be getting “repeat business” – if you know what I mean.
Let’s get started.
What you’ll need:
- Organic Grapeseed Oil
- Massage Area (massage table, floor covered in blankets, very firm bed)
- Sheets and blanket
- Thin pillow for her head
- Correct air temperature
- Low lighting (candles, lights w/ dimmer switches)
- Soothing music
- At least two uninterrupted hours (preferably an entire evening)
- Hot Girl
This series is going to be in two parts. The first part will be getting everything ready for the massage. The second will be performing the massage itself. As you’ll soon see, part one is actually more important than part two. When it comes to massage, mood is everything. And one of the best ways to improve your woman’s mood is to take charge of the situation.
Clear Her Schedule
Women are emotional. Because they care about the people in their lives, they are continuously thinking, coordinating, and, often, worrying. In order to help your woman break out of those thoughts you first need to prepare her for relaxation.
Tell her in advance that you’re planning to give her a massage, say on a Wednesday night at 8pm, and that all she needs to do is show up and enjoy. She’ll love the feeling of being taken care of and it will put her in the right headspace for sexy things later on.
Kick Everyone Out of the House
The foundation of an effective massage is the right environment. You need to create a space where your woman can relax and let everything go. Crying babies, loud video games, nosy neighbors and partying roommates are not going to work so your first step is to eliminate all distractions.
Unplug the phone. Lock the doors. Turn off the TV. If you have roommates or kids, find a babysitter or work out a deal so you have the place to yourself for the evening.
Because of various circumstances, it may be impossible to create a soothing environment in your own home. In that case a hotel room could provide an excellent alternative.
Creating Your Own Spa
Now that you’ve set aside some special time in a quiet, stress-free space, you’re ready to transform your home into a soothing spa.
Step 1. Cleaner is Better
Like hotel lobbies, spas are always spotless and there’s an important psychological reason: Mess causes stress. When we see books all over the floor it reminds us that we have work to do and work is the opposite of relaxation. By cleaning your home you are creating a space where she can let everything go. You don’t need to do a deep clean but make sure that the carpets aren’t covered in cat hair, clothes are put away, dishes are done and generally things look tidy.
Step 2. Lighting, Music and Temperature
Nothing changes the mood of a room faster than adjusting the lighting. You will never see a high-class restaurant with harsh fluorescent bulbs high overhead. Chandeliers are good, indirect lights are better and candles are the best of all. Just make sure it’s still bright enough for you to see the room clearly.
Safety Tip: If you decide to use actual flame candles, don’t forget to put something under them first; Cleaning melted wax off your carpet is irritating af.
Music is also very powerful. Experienced lovers know that if you want to put your girl in a certain state of mind you will change the music accordingly. You’ll want music that is quiet, slow, and, most importantly, something she enjoys. Some girls like reggae, some like R&B, some like classical – it all depends. If you don’t know her musical taste your best bet is generic spa music.
Finally, make sure to set your home thermostat to “naked.” Different women prefer different temperatures but the idea is you want her to feel comfortable wearing almost nothing. A cold woman is an unhappy woman. Don’t make this mistake.
Step 3. The Table
Your space is now clean and warm, lights are low, music is playing. The next step is your massage table.
Personally I recommend using a professional massage table. They’re a lot more comfortable for you and your girl, especially if you want to massage her for more than five minutes. You can buy a decent pre-owned table for about a hundred bucks on Craigslist. You can also rent them from local massage therapists for a few bucks/day.
If you’re wanting a cheaper and easier option, you can use a carpeted area of your house with some kind of blankets or padding underneath. But use caution: Kneeling on the ground and bending over while you perform your massage may be uncomfortable so make sure your body is okay with working on the floor. It sucks to give her a great massage but then hurt for a week afterwards.
Some of you might think the bed is a great place for a massage but unless you have a very firm mattress it won’t work; With most normal mattresses (especially memory foam) she’ll just sink into the material.
Step 4. Bedding and Robe
Now that you have your table you need bedding. I recommend a set of white twin sheets for the bed and a pillowcase to cover the facecradle. Queen sheets will work but they can get cumbersome. Once your sheets are on the table, cover them with a blanket.
You’ll want a thick pillow to go under her ankles when she’s facedown. If you’re using the floor, you’ll want two pillows: A thin pillow to use as a face rest and a thicker pillow for under her ankles.
A robe is also a necessity. Once she takes off her clothes, the robe will keep her warm around the house until she gets on the table.
Step 5. The Oil
This one can be confusing. There are thousands of lotions, oils and creams on the market and even professional therapists have a wide range of preferences. So which should you choose? I’ll save you all the guesswork: Use Organic Grapeseed Oil.
Organic Grapeseed Oil is perfect for basically every situation. It has no scent, it’s all natural and it’s hypo-allergenic so her body won’t react like these poor women. It also has a smooth glide that will make massaging easier and more enjoyable for both of you. It’s also cheaper than other lotions and it’s available at most grocery stores. Heck, you can even use the leftover oil to cook with when you’re finished!
Safety Note: There are several great lotions and oils on the market but for your first massage stick with Grapeseed Oil. Later when you start trying other options make sure to choose all natural ingredients and watch for any allergies you or your girl might have.
In order to give a great massage you need to do all the prep work ahead of time. First you’ll need to Get Your Supplies. Then you need to Clear Her Schedule and Kick Everyone Out of the House. From there you’ll set up your home spa: Clean the place, set the Lighting, Music and Temperature, choose a Good Table, prepare your Bedding and Robe and finally have your Grapeseed Oil ready to go.
Tune in next-week for part 2 of this series, Intro to Sensual Massage – Hands On. I’m going to teach you how to give a massage that will blow her mind (and other parts of her anatomy).
Until then, Stay Superior!
Photo credit: Nick J Webb on Visualhunt / CC BY