The following excerpt from Sexual Magnetism was written by our friend and mentor Gary. In addition to being a retired professor, military historian, world traveler and author, Gary is also excellent with women. He was gracious enough to provide his insight on the subject of flirting and we jumped at the chance to include it in our program.
“If I told you I liked your body, would you hold it against me?”
“May I borrow a quarter?
“I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.”
“Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.”
These are cheesy, rehearsed pick-up lines. What I want to talk about here is real flirting. There are numerous sites on how to become a “pick-up artist.” This is not my intent here. Flirting, to me, is the art of affirming another human being’s vibrancy without expectation of “reward.”
As a starting point, and this is not as obvious as one might think, one has to actually like people, especially the people whom one is flirting with. I do not necessarily mean “like” as in “sexually interested” but rather “I want to know you better and I enjoy our interactions.”
Some cultures embrace the art of flirting. Much of Latin America does. Watch a Puerto Rican girl flirt merely by a widening of her eyes. Listen to the exchange between two Venezuelans. Much of the USA does not unless it leads to the bedroom.
Because I was a teacher I love lists. Here are my steps to becoming a good flirt:
1. Be Comfortable With Yourself
To really flirt well you have to first feel totally comfortable with yourself. Self-confidence is, in itself, powerfully attractive. It’s impossible to flirt when one is feeling unattractive—it comes across as insincere self-deprecation instead. Work on improving your self-esteem and self-acceptance. Some of the biggest flirts are not necessarily the best looking—they are just comfortable in their body and with who they are.
2. Don’t Be Desperate
This follows from the first. Ever notice that your attractiveness increases when you are in a relationship with someone else? If you’re a guy in a good relationship, other girls sense you are not “after” something and that someone else finds you attractive too. It makes you less needy. If you are in your happy place and not trying to get laid you will be more likely to just flirt pleasantly.
3. Learn to Smile
A genuine smile is a joy to behold and makes everyone feel good. Ever notice how a child’s smile is infectious? If someone smiles at you, it’s hard to glare back—well, as long as you aren’t already in a fight. By the way, it doesn’t hurt to practice this to avoid the creepy smile, leer, looking too goofy and/or too contrived. It doesn’t have to be all teeth, a real smile will show in the eyes.
4. Make Eye Contact
No need to stare all googly-eyed. Sometimes a mere glance is enough. But you have to look a person in the eye to make a human contact. If you are going to wink, the subtler the better.
5. Move Closer to Her
It seems obvious that proximity is important. One can flirt across the room but you run the risk of appearing to flirt with folks you may not be directing the look at and that could be interesting. A touch on the shoulder or arm can be very flirtatious…just don’t mistake that with pawing.
6. Listen, Listen, Listen
Once engaged, lean in…and listen. Stop trying to be suave and clever. Listen to what the other person is saying and respond. Ask them about themselves because you really want to know the answers. Have an organic conversation. This is not your time to brag about yourself. Be playful, light, don’t take yourself too seriously. The story is told of a beautiful actress who dated two very famous, accomplished and intelligent men. Asked which one was the best date, she replied that the one “who made me feel as intelligent as him.”
7. Compliment Her
Who does not like be told they dressed nice today? Which of us hates being told we “smell nice?” How many of us would stay grumpy if someone said we had a nice smile or nice eyes? Keep the physical compliments above the shoulders…until you get to know them much better.
8. Practice Flirting
Finally, flirt with everybody. Enjoy the chance to share a positive moment with another human being. I will flirt with anybody – grandmothers and their granddaughters – because I like women. Go find some women you know and try some of the “techniques” I outlined above.
Charm has sadly taken its leave of our social universe. Let’s put it back.
Become Sexually Magnetic!
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Do you struggle with any of these questions?
Are you in an LTR but she’s never DTF? If you’re not getting laid regularly, Chapter 13: Reigniting the Flame will teach you how to pass your woman’s “tests,” use conditional availability to generate sexual tension, and master the art of Dread Game. If your bedroom is colder than Antarctica, this chapter is guaranteed to heat things back up!
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