Do you know how to compliment women successfully?
As men, we spend our lives learning how to be good at stuff. Making money. Rebuilding computers. Throwing touchdowns. Riding motorcycles. Brewing craft beer. Sniping dudes from across the map. Catching giant fish. No matter what his individual talents are, by the time he’s an adult most guys have built a series of skills that he’s decently good at and at least one or two he truly excels in.
But no matter how many skills he may have, most men suck at knowing how to compliment women. How about you? How good are you at using compliments with the opposite sex? Here’s a quick check – have you used any of the following on a woman before?
- “Baby, you’re so hot.”
- “You are the most beautiful creature on the planet.”
- “You’re just incredible and I’m so lucky that I was able to convince you to be with me.”
- “You are always sexy.”
- “You’re the perfect woman.”
- “You’re so attractive I could never look at another girl.”
If you’ve ever used one of these compliments before, you’ve made a serious mistake. Every single one of these statements are a trap! They send sound good on paper but they send all the wrong messages to women. But don’t worry, if you do use phrases like these you’re not alone. Millions of women hear them every day around the world.
Keep reading to find out why most compliments should be eliminated from your vocabulary, why women hate to hear them, and what you should say instead!
Compliments vs Flattery
Before we talk about how to compliment women, let’s define the word from Dictionary.com. What exactly IS a compliment anyway?
- An expression of praise, commendation, or admiration
- A formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard
- A courteous greeting; good wishes; regards
- To pay a compliment to
- To show kindness or regard for by a gift or other favor
The definition of compliment is to offer someone praise, courtesy or kindness. A compliment is something we give to someone else as a gift. The word gift here is KEY to understanding the right – and wrong – way to compliment someone. Gifts are given without requiring something in return.
Having said that, let’s contrast the definition of the word compliment with the word flatter.
- To try to please by complimentary remarks or attention.
- To praise or compliment insincerely, effusively, or excessively:
- To represent favorably; gratify by falsification
- To show to advantage
- To play upon the vanity or susceptibilities of; cajole, wheedle, or beguile
The definition of flatter (or flattery) is to attempt to please someone else by using compliments, to praise insincerely, to gratify by falsification or to cajole or wheedle (manipulate) someone into getting what you want.
When you use flattery you’re giving a compliment in order to get something in return. It’s not a gift – it’s an implied request.
There’s a world of difference between using compliments and flattery. Before you speak, ask yourself: Which one am I using?
Why We Have Difficulty Talking To Women
Women Are Complicated
Let’s be honest here – Women are complicated.
They’re illogical. They’re unpredictable. Because of their emotional nature, they sometimes don’t say what they mean or mean what they say. They’re confusing and challenging and it can be difficult to figure out what the hell is going on inside her pretty little head.
As a result, we often will try saying “nice things” to her in hopes that she will treat us favorably. The problem with these broad-spectrum compliments is that they can quickly become flattery and will undermine her ability to trust you.
Men Are Impatient
To make matters worse, we men are often impatient. We have goals and plans and we don’t always have a lot of time to make those things happen. Generally we need to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. When we’re by ourselves or with other men it’s usually a straightforward process to cut through the BS and accomplish what we need.
But when women are involved, things are rarely straightforward. She has desires and emotions about everything and it’s not uncommon for her to be in conflict with herself about what she wants. Trying to unravel what a woman wants and predict her responses takes time – and as men we don’t necessarily want to spend that time. We have shit to do.
It can become easy to compliment women to try and “convince” them to see things from our point of view. These compliments quickly become overused and lose their power with a woman – assuming they ever worked to begin with.
A Woman’s Mood Swings
When a woman is in an agitated state, most men don’t know how to get her back into the happy, calm state we prefer her to be in. If she’s feeling angry, scared, worried, overwhelmed or any of a dozen other emotions, it can be extremely challenging for us not to lose our cool. When we’re in the presence of a frenzied woman most men would do or say almost ANYTHING to get her to calm back down. Attempting to compliment women is the most obvious choice here. Unfortunately it doesn’t work in this situation.
While I’m at it, here’s a hint that could change your life: You can NEVER make a woman feel something other than what she’s currently feeling. The only thing you can do is ride it out in the moment – stay cool and enjoy the roller coaster – and then later, once the intensity has died down, you can help her regroup and move into the direction you’d like to go.
Underlying Dynamics In All Male/Female Conversations
There are four main dynamics that are always at play in male/female communication. Staying aware of these dynamics AT ALL TIMES will give you a huge advantage in accomplishing your goals as you talk to and compliment women in your life.
There is always a power dynamic happening between the two of you. As you’re communicating, continue to ask yourself who is operating from a position of power. Are you the one who is leading the interaction or is she? Are you the one who has options or are you dependent on her? Do you have a plan or are you following her plan? Do you know what you want and are pursuing that desire – or are you hoping to try and find out what she wants and give it to her so she can hopefully be happy?
Men give away their power all the time. Listen to a dozen conversations with married men and you’ll hear half of them describe their wives by saying “This is my better half,” “She’s the boss of the home,” “She’s the smart one,” “Happy wife, happy life,” etc.
Don’t make this mistake. Anytime you value a woman over yourself she will INSTANTLY lose attraction to you. Remember, she’s biologically hard-wired to desire a strong, desirable man who can lead her. If you ever think of yourself as weaker than she is, you’re putting her on a pedestal. She doesn’t want to be there, you don’t want her to be there and nobody is happy.
If you are ever about to say something to her that feels like you’re pandering or sucking up, stop and either A) say something else, or B) say nothing. Remember, she wants you to be the leader in the relationship. Don’t give up your power.
What TO NEVER say:
- “You’re the most beautiful woman ever, and you always will be no matter what” (No woman is beautiful at all times – stop blowing smoke up her ass)
- “I’m so lucky that I was able to convince you to be with me” (Man up dude. She chose you because you’re awesome. Own that shit.)
- “I hope I can make you happy forever” (If you don’t believe you can make her happy, you going to lose her very soon…)
What TO say instead:
- “You’re very cute when you wrinkle up your nose”
- “Lucky for you I’m available tonight – as long as you behave”
- “I’m enjoying your smile quite a bit right now”
Attraction is the key to sexuality. As you talk to her, ask yourself: Is she currently attracted to me? Is she behaving in a way that demonstrates she is enjoying my company, thinks I’m fun and valuable and that I’m sexually desirable?
If she isn’t acting in a way that shows she’s attracted, check and make sure if you’re TRYING to get her to be attracted. It seems like an easy and obvious solution to give her a compliment. Unfortunately you can’t generate attraction by compliments – you must create sexual friction. For a deep dive into this critical topic, sign up here for an advance copy of our upcoming book Sexual Magnetism (don’t worry, we never spam).
Overall, if you want her to be attracted you need to exhibit the attractive characteristics that she will be drawn to.
- Be strong and decisive
- Know what you want and go after it
- Stay in control of your emotions
- Have fun and keep your sense of humor
- Be sexually playful: Tease, flirt, etc.
- Do what YOU want to do
- Plan your adventure … and then bring her along on your adventure
Don’t Accept Unattractive Behavior
- Don’t put up with her bullshit
- If she’s being selfish or manipulative, call her on it
- If she’s being childish:
- Ignore her
- If necessary, leave for the moment
- If she keeps it up over several days/weeks, it may be time to end things
What TO NEVER say:
- “Let’s do whatever you want to do. You’re the boss.” (I don’t want you to be the boss – I just want some peace and quiet)
- “Do you like my tattoo/shirt/car/house/etc?” (Please give me a blowjob?)
- “You’re difficult sometimes – but I don’t mind because you’re gorgeous.” (I do mind but I don’t want to deal with your temper tantrums)
What TO say instead:
- “I’m taking you out to a cool club I know tonight. Wear a dress. Underwear optional.”
- “Just got a new tattoo yesterday. Yeah it’s under the bandage. No you can’t see it.”
- “If you behave tonight I might do something later that you’ll really enjoy…”
In the modern era lying has become entirely too common, especially for men who are trying to get what they want from women. If you’re going to respect yourself – and if you want her to respect you – you must ALWAYS be honest.
Ask yourself: Am I telling the whole truth to this woman or am I telling partial truths in an attempt to manipulate her into the behavior I want?
- Is she being sulky so you tell her she’s beautiful in an attempt to cheer her up?
- Is she only a 6/10 but you’re horny so you tell her she’s absolutely stunning?
- Are you – in any way – flattering her in order to get something from her?
- Ie. To get sex, a feeling of power, stop feeling lonely, make her stop complaining, etc?
NEVER LIE. EVER.
- She’ll sense if you’re lying and will lose attraction for you
- Women are incredibly intuitive and can see through your bullshit a mile away
- Even if you can somehow lie effectively to her, sooner or later it will backfire – probably sooner
- Being a man who speaks his entire mind is attractive – including being raw, offensive or vulgar
- Girls will accept – and often enjoy – the filthiest, most Un-PC language and behaviors imaginable (ie. every major comedian ever) if they can sense that you have balls to stand behind 100% of what you’re saying
What TO NEVER say:
- “You’re the perfect woman” (No she isn’t – all women make mistakes)
- “I would do anything for you” (Anything? Really? Give her all your money so she can live on a desert island and suck some other guy’s dick? No you wouldn’t)
- “I could never look at another woman.” (Unless you’re gay, you’re full of shit)
What TO say instead:
- “I love how kind you are to people”
- “Sure, I can help you. What’s in it for me? (big grin)”
- “Looking at this dance floor covered in beautiful women? It’s a joy to behold.”
Every man has a purpose. A dream. A vision for his future. From how he wants to spend his Sunday to his ultimate dream of how he’s going to benefit the world, every man has an innate desire to make a difference.
As you’re interacting with your woman, ask yourself: Are you on your task, moving towards your goals and living the way you want? Or have you given up on your goals and you’re doing your best to try and help her with her goals? Is she actively facilitating your goals? Is she at least neutral with your goals? Is she chastising your goals? Is she actively sabotaging your goals?
You should always know what your purpose is before your open your mouth in conversation.
- If you’re out at a bar or club hitting on women, what’s your goal?
- To feel better about yourself if a girl gives you her phone number?
- To distract yourself from your sad life?
- To get laid?
- To practice getting better with women?
- If you’ve been having difficulty getting sex from your wife, what’s your goal by complimenting her sexy dress?
- Are you hoping to get sex?
- Are you simply appreciating how good she looks tonight?
- Are you experimenting to see what things you say turn her on – or off?
NEVER FORGET YOUR PURPOSE. Whether it’s something as simple as making your girlfriend laugh or as complex as getting your Ph.D in Agricultural Engineering so you can support your family, everything you say should be filtered through your purpose.
Watch your language. If she’s saying or doing things that are interfering with your purpose, don’t use compliments or flattery to get her to change her behaviour. Instead use direct statements to find out the facts, coordinate as needed and move forward with your goals.
What NOT to say:
- “Am I getting lucky with you tonight?” (Nope)
- “How am I doing so far?” (You were doing fine until you asked that question…)
- “My beautiful Karen, you’ve said you won’t help me for the last month, but I’m begging you…please can you help today…with sugar on top?” (Dude, seriously. Find your balls and use them.)
What TO say instead:
- “I was blinded by your beauty; I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.”
- “Hey, nice dress babe. Come here and turn around really quick.”
- “I’m going to be out back today taking care of the lawn. Let me know if you need anything.”
Conversational Dynamics for Her
Every one of these four dynamics are are always at play for her as well. For increased success in communication, think about the following from her perspective:
- Power: Does she want to be in charge?
- No, she doesn’t. She wants you to lead and be the man.
- Attraction: Does she want to be attracted to you?
- Yes she does. Always. The vast number of enjoyable emotions and sensations she feels when she’s attracted to you are an endless source of pleasure for her.
- Integrity: Are you being honest with her? Is she being honest with herself?
- If she’s emotionally healthy she knows how valuable honesty truly is. A good woman will demand it from you – and from herself.
- Pursuing Her Dreams: Does she want you to be pursuing your vision? Is she en route to what she really wants?
- Women are powerfully drawn to men who have a dream. The more you are committed to working towards your dream, the more valuable and attractive you will be to her.
- If she’s not moving towards her goals, she will soon be an unhappy woman.
Conclusion – How To Compliment Women
Every time you’re about to open your mouth, ask yourself: What am I attempting to do by talking to this woman? What is my goal?
- Are you trying to get her into bed?
- Are you trying to make her feel better?
- Are you trying to help her?
- Are you trying to perform the duties of a friend?
- Are you trying to get information?
- Are you trying to coordinate plans?
- Are you trying to entertain her?
- Are you trying to move her from “friend” to “more than a friend”?
Power. Attraction. Integrity. Purpose.
I guarantee you that if you’re leading, if you’re attractive, if you’re acting with integrity and if you’re pursuing your purpose, every time you compliment women it will feel natural and she will enjoy it. Even better, your conversations with all women will immediately become more authentic, more powerful and ultimately bring you more success in your interactions.